Dear Dr. Phenessa,
I am a married woman and lately I have been experiencing attraction to different men, specifically a business partner. What started out as an “innocent” business partnership has now turned into a relationship filled with feelings that I can’t really explain. It’s as if he has opened up a part of me that my husband has not accessed and I’m confused with what I am feeling. I have no intentions of cheating on my husband, I just feel differently with this other man. My business partner has also confessed feelings for me. What do you advise I do to think only on my husband and not this other man? Is it normal to feel this way?
Married & In Heat
Dear Married & In Heat,
Thank you for sharing your REAL LIFE! There's freedom in acknowledging and facing your truth. Kudos to you for being brave and courageous! When I initially read your email, I immediately thought about how easy and honestly pleasurable it is to entertain warm, fuzzy feelings and be admired by someone. Yet, there's something deeper going on here. So, let's dig a little shall we?
1. What do you advise I do to think only on my husband and not this other man?
This is NOT about thinking only about your husband. This is about YOU and understanding why and where these thoughts came from. I have some questions for you to think about:
2. Is it normal to feel this way?
Short answer is yes.
It's normal to experience emotions and feelings. Critias, Athenian political figure and author, said, "know thyself". Self-awareness, a building block of emotional intelligence, is essential especially when figuring out your normal thoughts from thoughts uncharacteristic of who you are. Feelings are fickle. They come and they go. We choose how long they live in our hearts and heads. You have complete control over the stay and the lease is up. Give those conflicting thoughts an eviction notice…ASAP!
3. REAL TALK about this REAL ISSUE
"I have no intentions of cheating on my husband, I just feel differently with this other man. My business partner has also confessed feelings for me." ~Married & In Heat
MAYDAY...MAYDAY!!! Hunty, listen! You ARE cheating already on your husband. Cheating isn't just physical. Cheating can be emotional as well. According to VeryWellMind.com, Sheri Storif writes, "An emotional affair is when a person not only invests more of their emotional energy outside their marriage but also receives emotional support and companionship from the new relationship" (August 22, 2019). Gyrlfriend, snap out of it! CUT IT OFF TAH-DAY! Ain't nothing this new man got that you need. You are in a legal agreement/relationship with your husband. Both of you have papers on each other. Remember those vows? The grass may appear greener on the other side, but baby let me tell ya, it's astro-turf! RUN, FORRESTA, RUN!!!
Your mind needs a shift!
These thoughts aren't happening to you. They're happening for you. Peel back the onion of what’s going on inside you to address your deepest needs. Often times, there's something in our childhood experience we need to deal with in order to move forward, level up, and walk in greatness. REAL TALK…You have a choice in unsubscribing to this REAL ISSUE. No matter what you decide, ALL will work out for your good! Also, change your name, change your perspective, and experience change in your life. Your words have power and what you say to yourself will become your reality. You’re not Married & In Heat, but Married & Happy!
4. Get Yo Life (Back)!
I have some heart-work for you. If you have trouble with any of these, pray to find out why, meditate on productive things, and be intentional about managing your surroundings and what you’re allowing in your eye, head, and heart space. Complete the following:
I'm excited about the changes you’re about to make in you, for you, and your marriage. Be encouraged. Put your panties on ice. Better yet, throw them away. Buy some with your hubby in mind and well, you know what else to do…
Believing the best for you and yours,